Asian parents & invalidation Part 2
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When I wrote my first blog post on how to cope with invalidation from Asian parents, I was feeling a range of emotions, anger, frustration, disappointment but what lies underneath was sadness and grief for “what could have been”. This is a journey of finding my voice through experimentation and learning through trial and error to speak up to my parents and most importantly, for myself.
For me, I have recently realized that we often fall into the trap of our own expectations. We romanticize people around us and put them up on a pedestal. The result of which is feeling disappointed when they don’t live up to how we expect them to be. Then potentially internalizing their lack of effort or reciprocation as a sign of us being unworthy and unlovable.
I romanticized my parents to be a certain way because I have lived and experienced the pain of not getting emotional validation and support from my parents. The tension lies in me wanting them to be a certain way vs the way they are. Our minds are in conflict when we cannot resolve the gap between what we expect and what is reality.
But this was a wake up call for me, because your mentality shapes your reality and your internal world.
To provide you with some context, I have two homes, Hong Kong, the place of my birth and where I spent half my life and Sydney, where I spend another half. 13 years in both cities to be exact, back and forth.
1996 - 2005 - Hong Kong
2005- 2010 - Sydney
2010 - 2014 - Hong Kong
2014 - 2022 - Sydney
Looking at this timeline, it is safe to say that my social and personal identity was fucked. I had no idea where I belonged. Whenever I was in Hong Kong, I was considered too “whitewashed” and “weird” for the people there, back in Sydney, I was considered too “Asian” and did not belong in any “groups”. This experience of moving between cities made me crave for validation and emotional support more because I felt alone in my experience of being a Third Culture Kid (TCK).
Since COVID, I have not been able to go home to visit my family for three years. So, I decided to fly home in 2022 July with no return date and ended up staying for six months. Despite the difficulties, it was a much-needed trip that brought me many precious moments with my family, along with closure and insights about myself.
Time is something we can never get back. My supervisor told me that time with our parents is finite, so spend as much time as you can with your loved ones. Nothing is worth sacrificing time with your family. I see that now. This is one thing that contributed to me accepting my parents for who they are and not who I want them to be.
It was and is still a difficult line for me to draw from feeling “selfish” and self-indulgent for wanting to have a voice and speak up while also making space to fit into the cultural and familial roles and expectations that I grew up in.
Because it is an ongoing challenge and a skill of knowing when to speak up and when to let things go.
During that time, being at home with my parents, I went through different phases of emotions, 1) Experimentation, 2) Anger & Resentment, 3) Minimal interaction & Silence, then finally, 4) Acceptance and Reconciliation.
1) Experimenting with challenging the status quo - family dynamic
I realized after going home that I could no longer ‘pretend’ like nothing had happened after a conflict, because that was the norm that was established growing up. In one conflict that took place between mum and I, I remember feeling disgusted when she tried to pretend nothing had happened by asking me if I’ve eaten or bringing me food. Don’t get me wrong, that is classic Asian parents’ love language, but I couldn’t show my appreciation without addressing our conflict which clearly still left an unspoken tension between us.
So, I took a deep breath and I addressed the elephant in the room at the dinner table one night.
“I realized I may have overreacted to what you said earlier, Mum. I apologize for that. I was just hurt by what you said even though I know you may not have intended it that way.”
It WAS awkward, weird and I felt like the spotlight was on me. But I was so glad I did it because it eased the tension and it prevented my frustration from becoming resentment towards my parents.
Even though my parents didn’t say much, I knew they had acknowledged what I said and was seeing this new side of me.
2) The phase of anger & resentment
As time passed, more arguments and conflict took place and all I felt was anger because all I could see was how my parents’ default of invalidating me has made me see myself as someone small and unworthy of having a voice. (This manifested into patterns of people pleasing my way through my relationships, going along with others’ wishes without considering what I wanted and not knowing I can ask and be firm with what I want.)
I used to think I could never speak up for myself, for my needs and wants because it was always about pleasing the other person as an attempt to not upset them so I can “keep the peace” even if it meant I was suffering in silence. Even if it meant I would eventually act out in passive aggressive ways later then get told off for behaving like a dickhead. Because fuck what I wanted right?
This manifested into self-hatred and self-depreciation because it was the only way I could cope. Up to this day, I enjoy dark humor because it allows me to cope with the pain, I feel but also make it fun.
Initially, I remained firm and stood my ground to make my point. It disrupted the family dynamic and I was met with resistance from mum.
Eventually, it seemed like nothing I said was getting through to her, it made me not want to engage and communicate with my mum because I saw that there was no point and because I felt so hurt by her words. It’s easy to get caught up in the moment of anger and emotions and say hurtful things. I'm not proud of it because I do it too.
But words hurt and can pierce through your soul and self-perception. If you have a strong self-concept and not let words stick to you, then well done and I’m proud of you. But I was not that strong and had internalized many things I heard growing up.
Word of caution: Please be mindful that my intention here is not to bad mouth my parents in any way. I chose to write about this because my goal is to break down the Asian nuisances and taboo of talking about mental health and how Asian culture can impact our self-perception and how that affects and shapes who we are today. These blogs are intended for me to reflect on and it serves as an opportunity for me to learn and do better moving forward, as an individual and as a Psychotherapist. Even though I am a therapist, I’m also human and flawed in my own ways. I hope through reading about this, there are meaningful lessons you can take away from and get you to reflect on your relationships with your loving parents.
“You’re so selfish.”
“Why are you so selfish?”
“You only think of yourself.”
“You only do what you want”
“If the roles were reversed, I would have done this for you first”
“We’ve done so much for you and you won’t even do this for us?”
“Fine, I don’t need or want your help”
“Others would have done it.”
“Let it go, you are mature now, take it easy.”
“Stop holding onto the past and move forward”
“Let's not bring up the past”
“You don't appreciate what I do for you, I should be more selfish and not do so much for you.”
“You don’t offer to do X, Y, Z for us. If you weren’t selfish, you would have offered.”
Note that these are all grounded in expectations. Expecting the other person to be a certain way and doing things accordingly to how you want them to. Read my blog on the danger of expectations Here.
A recent conversation with my brother made me realized my definition of selfish was grounded in my mum’s expectations. It shocked me to realize that perhaps I wasn’t selfish for wanting certain things, but I was made and conditioned to feel bad for being myself and wanting things for myself.
This is an important lesson I will take with me moving forward. Here I would encourage you to question the labels that have been imposed on you and whether you have internalized it as a result. Zoom out of this and ask yourself, am I selfish? Or have you just been made to feel that way and you have learned to not want things for yourself to avoid being called selfish?
3) The phase of minimal interaction & silence
After the anger and resentment passed, I felt a sense of hopelessness. I reached out to my brother (who is ten years older than me with a depth of life experience that I cannot imagine myself yet). He offered some words of wisdom about his experiences with our parents. He shared with me that he felt the same way of wanting validation and acknowledgement for his experiences. He pointed out that our parents might not be able to give me what I want and that this is what he learnt.
His approach is telling our parents when and how he solved an issue rather than going to them with an emotional issue because they would view your emotions as a ‘problem’. He told me that our parents were happy for him when he framed his narrative in this way.
Even though I wasn’t ready to hear it at the time, I needed to because I needed to learn how to navigate my relationship with them moving forward.
After that conversation, I felt like there was no point in telling my parents anything anymore because it could potentially be weaponized against me. But deep down, I knew I won't be met with the validation and acknowledgement I craved from them.
So, my avoidant self did the only thing I knew best, I retreated to silence and minimal interaction with my parents. Because it was the better option when I still felt and held onto so much internal anger and resentment. It was strange, weird, odd and heartbreaking at the same time. Because I went from the child that would always share everything to not sharing anything with them at all. I felt a deep sense of sadness and loneliness knowing how my relationship with them turned into that.
More importantly, I wasn’t ready to pretend like nothing had happened and I needed time to process.
It wasn’t until my mum came to me and asked “Why don’t you tell me anything more” that made me realize what a bitch I’ve been to her and my dad. She teared up and naturally, I did too which helped us reconcile our differences and finally made up after weeks of minimal interactions.
4) The phase of Acceptance & Reconciliation
My mum expressed that she and dad care and loves me dearly and that they may not show and communicate it in the best ways, but she wanted me to remember that they love me no matter what. She said she and dad were doing what they knew best from how their parents showed them love.
At that moment, I broke down into tears with her and sobbed uncontrollably. I was holding onto so much pain, anger, disappointment and resentment that I was only focusing on the negative parts of my parents. It made me lose sight of how much my parents have cared, loved, provided and given me.
That’s the fucked-up part of human nature, sometimes we tend to focus and fixate on the negatives and on what we are missing rather than appreciating what we have.
This was a major turning point for me. As I am writing this, my tears are streaming down my face because of how emotional that moment was. I love them with all my heart and the takeaway I gained from this is that we are all perfectly imperfect.
My perfectly imperfect mother was coming to me and trying to get through to me. She was showing me through her actions that despite not being able to give me what I want, she was still there, trying to love me in her own way.
My parents love me in their own precious ways and that I shouldn’t impose, expect and assume that what I want is what I will get. Because life is unfair and sometimes, we don’t get what we want and that’s okay.
I sincerely love them with everything they have given me, they were open-minded in many areas such as not imposing on me to be a doctor or Lawyer. They always gave me the freedom to choose, which I am forever grateful for. Thank you, Mum and Dad, for all the sacrifices and love you have given me. I love you both. I’m sorry my actions at the time didn’t show that. As painful as it was and has been, I needed to come to my senses with time and reflection.
***
As I am writing this, I feel shame and guilt towards how I acted towards my parents, but I am reminding myself to be compassionate towards myself. I am not my actions, my past actions do not define me, it does not make me a bad person. I had a limited understanding and insight at that time compared to what I have now after months of reflection. I need to remind myself that things needed to happen for me to develop a greater understanding and appreciation of my parents and for others around me.
Mum, dad, thank you for being patient with me as I navigate this crucial time in my life.
Me speaking up gave my parents the bravery to do the same
I recognized that it was a huge step for my mum, to come to me and to express that openly and vulnerably with me. I was and am so proud of how brave she was when she came to me and had that conversation. My dad also stood up for me during an argument that I overheard he and mum had and I was incredibly proud of the shift in their dynamic and communication.
This made me realize that despite the chaos in me speaking up with them at home, it also fostered their bravery to speak up with me in the same manner. I felt like a parent as I reflect and write about this, I was and am proud of my parents. I applaud their bravery for trying, because at the end of the day, effort is all I can hope for.
This was the most valuable thing I gained from this interaction. Not only did I challenge the status quo of remaining quiet about conflict and disagreement, I challenged my role within the family dynamic and started questioning things with my parents. That is not to say I challenged and questioned every little thing because there is only so much they can take but for the important conversations I did and it was worth it.
So here are the 4 takeaways I gained these past 6 months:
Upon finding my voice, experimenting and speaking up to my parents while I was back home in Hong Kong gave me some perspective.
#1 Speaking up for myself isn’t about achieving an outcome, it’s not about changing them or getting them to respond to me the way I want them to. It’s about what it does for me.
It’s about how it makes me feel and how I see myself differently in being someone who is worth having boundaries, drawing the line in what I accept and am not willing to tolerate. If it leads to conflict and disagreement, that’s fine because they know where I stand. The choice is mine and I can decide how I want to respond whether to engage or walk away. A reminder here is, you can never control how others respond to what you say, you can only control your reaction and thoughts through intentional and conscious effort of slowing down, stepping back, reflecting and questioning.
Many of my Asian clients seem to have this belief that speaking up needs to be associated with an outcome that changes the situation 100%. But that is a faulty perception, because it is grounded in black and white thinking, expecting 0 to 100.
Be real with yourself and with your parents. Things will not go from 0 communication to suddenly having open and transparent, honest conversations. It doesn’t work like that.
But what is possible is to find your courage, take that leap of faith. Be courageous. Speak up for yourself and to set precedence so your parents (or others) know where YOU stand, regardless of how they react, feel and think about you. Because then you’ve set the baseline of how you want or don't want to be treated. The rest is up to those around you.
Remember, it is not their reaction that is important here. It is what you take away from you speaking up and them knowing where you stand. For example, setting a boundary, “I disagree with your assumption of X, but I know you intend for it to be conveyed this way and I appreciate that you have my best interest at heart.” or something along the lines of that.
#2 I was focused on what I was lacking rather than what I have in front of me
I was only focusing on the negative parts of my parents, of what they failed to give me. It made me lose sight of how much my parents have cared, loved, provided and given me. Moving forward, it is important to reconcile with your parents no matter what differences come between you. Because they love you, even if they don’t know what is best for you, they are trying in their own ways.
#3 I needed to have these conflicts with my parents to be able to have these insights.
There is always a learning lesson and a good thing that comes from every difficult experience. Train your mind to see everything as a learning opportunity and you will win in life.
It made me appreciate my parents in a way I haven’t before and it brought us closer together. Afterall, an inevitable part of relationships is conflict and being able to communicate about it, resolve and repair it together (which is modelling what healthy communication is).
#4 As adults, we all need time, space and distance to grow and heal and find ourselves
I do believe that we all need to be apart from our parents in our adult lives to be able to gain perspective and insight on our relationships with them. I would encourage you to not be afraid of being alone and going beyond your comfort zone, because that is when you learn the most about yourself.
***
Final words of wisdom
This experience with my parents changed everything for me. I now see myself as a worthy human being who can ask for what I want and need and set boundaries when it does not sit well with me and my core and wellbeing. We all have that right and deserve that.
Because despite all this pain, hurt and negativity, I am a work in progress and working to always better and to improve myself. The irony of self-awareness is you become so aware of your triggers, how and why you fuck up that it forces you to be courageous and lean into the WHY. It is an endless process of questioning everything and reframing your mindset.
That is the beauty of self-development, personal growth and having self-awareness, you never stop learning new things about yourself. You learn, you change, pivot and evolve into a better version of yourself. Change and uncertainty is inevitable, get comfortable with the uncomfortable.
This is what I want for my clients and everyone around me, and ultimately, my vision to inspire the next generation of Asians to excel, innovate and find their voice and place in this world. Rise up my fellow Asians, we all deserve a voice.
This pattern of invalidation stemmed from childhood and carried forward up until I decided to quit my full-time job last year and start my own practice, Your millennial therapist and join another amazing online practice, The Indigo Project. It was a defining moment in my life that changed everything for me, it helped me find my voice and believe in myself as a worthy human being and that my voice matters. That is the greatest lesson I can ever ask for in life.
Thank you for tuning in and reading about my experiences and learning lessons.
Stay curious and ask more questions, my fellow millennials.
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