Being Asian & growing up in a Western society
View Asian Parents & how to cope with their invalidation Part 1 & Part 2.
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It’s all connected, your conditioning is everything you are today
Your past conditionings, cultural and upbringing forms your coping mechanisms such as people pleasing your way through life, falling into the trap of perfectionism, seeing the world as black and white and fearing failure and risk taking. These become your limiting self beliefs that hold you back from your fullest potential. Identifying the root cause is the key to my work.
Have you ever felt conflicted with your identity and where you belong? Have you ever wondered why you put so much pressure on yourself to achieve? Do you find it hard to say no and to speak up for yourself? Do you feel guilty for pursuing what you want for yourself? Do you find yourself doing things out of obligation and duty? Do you find yourself wanting to break free of the values and beliefs that were passed down to you by your parents? Let’s deconstruct these questions.
Have you ever felt conflicted with your identity and where you belong?
Growing up, I always struggled with belonging, whether it is in a friendship group or a place. I moved between Hong Kong and Sydney three times in my life so I have two homes. But growing up, it had a huge impact on how I saw myself, it made me yearn for emotional connection more and not getting that was an isolating experience. I thought there was something wrong with me. Connecting with local Hong Kongers and Australians was always a challenge, because I was either not ‘Hong Kong local’ enough, I would be called a banana by the locals, which meant I was yellow on the outside but white on the inside. When I lived and grew up in Australia, I wasn’t ‘white’ enough, I would be labeled as someone trying to be ‘white-washed’, my interpretation of this term is someone Asian trying to be white and ‘cool’. I never fit into a box because I was essentially both, Asian and Westernalized. It was a lonely experience because I didn’t meet anyone who had both East and West influences at the time. As a result of my experience, I mostly keep to myself knowing this integration wasn’t accepted by either side until I came across other peers who shared similar experiences as me.
It wasn’t until I studied Psychology that I realized it wasn’t my fault that I struggled to connect with my peers. I learnt that during developmental periods, connection to peers was a crucial part of adolescence, any big life transitions would impact how one constructs their social and personal identity (for those who studied IB, this was the topic of my Extended Essay (EE) paper). This knowledge made sense of my struggles which was very validating to me at that time, which is why I continued to pursue Psychology because I wanted to learn more about myself and make sense of my ongoing internal battles (and demons).
Reflecting on it now, I recognize the privilege of growing up in both cultures, because it allowed me to be exposed to different values of both cultures. Even though I struggled immensely with thoughts of having an identity crisis and always wanting to be in one city when I was in another, in hindsight, it gave me a more holistic view of the world and how and why people are different in the way they present themselves and how they relate and connect to others.
Have you ever wondered why you put so much pressure on yourself to achieve?
Being Asian meant that there is high external emphasis on achievements, there is a never-ending obsession with being successful and a specific image of what that looks like, being a doctor or lawyer with a big fancy house and being married with kids (even if you’re not happy after acquiring those things because everything has a cost and requires sacrifices but sacrifice is relative, it depends on what you are willing to give up and tolerate in the long term).
Over time through this conditioning, we internalize the need to succeed and having achievements as a way to prove our self-worth. The danger of hinging your self-worth on your achievements and the results you produce, is it creates a weak and easily fractured sense of self. Because without work, achievements and praise (external validation), you don’t feel valued or worthy as the person that you are and that leaves you in a vulnerable place.
Growing up, I learned and worked hard because I was motivated by fear of failure, feeling a need and desire to outperform my peers, which I never understood why until recently that it was a result of my cultural conditioning. This really distorted my perception of learning. I remember I used to think that it was the end of the world if I didn’t achieve a grade that was decent enough to get me into University. I was so tormented by fear of failure, that I beat myself up repeatedly through unhealthy comparisons to others and feeling unworthy as a result because I wasn’t ‘book smart’ enough.
I really wished there was a strength based approach in school where they allow me to harness my strengths and acknowledge the areas I am lacking in, rather than be made to feel like an elephant being judged on its ability to climb a tree (there is a meme that depicts this, see below and Here for the full link).
But in hindsight, there are so many options that I could have taken if I didn’t achieve it the first time (even if it is not the traditional and ideal way). This obsession of achieving on the first attempt is not realistic because not allowing room for error and leniency is what sets the ground for chasing Perfection, which frankly, does not exist. Because, to succeed, you need to experience failure and learn from it, there is a learning opportunity in every experience, especially the difficult ones.
The cultural elements of being Asian (the success obsessed mentality) looks down on any mistakes or mishaps which makes it difficult for us to do anything without external and internal pressure. We lack the permission to explore, we lack the space to be curious about our interests and as a result, we have lived a life of constantly receiving expectations of what to do and what not to do. Hence, I encourage you to give yourself room to explore, be curious and to tap into a childlike state when finding out who you are. You are more than your grades and your job, period.
Guilt & Shame is the foundation of Asian culture
Recently, I have realized that feelings of guilt and shame are built into the foundation of Asian culture. Many clients have told me that they find themselves doing things out of obligation, duty, necessity and guilt which is in conflict with what they want to do. This unspoken need to repay our parents because they sacrificed themselves by moving to a Western country and starting over so we can live a better life is real. Parents may also subconsciously live through us because they didn’t get a chance to live their life to the fullest, they may also be pressuring us to choose a profession because it is seen as ‘stable, secure’ financially, having money means security and freedom to choose. The impact of immigrating to a new country and starting over while having to speak a different language has a monumental effect on our parents’ perception of everything, their relationships with themselves, with us and the idea of wellbeing. There is less emphasis on wellbeing and pursuit of happiness as a result of constantly being in survival mode after immigrating to a new country. Hence, this is why they cling to security and stability of a 9-5 job so extensively. The idea of sacrifice is embedded into us from day one.
But when we limit ourselves by doing what our parents want and expect of us without reflecting and questioning it ourselves, we are living for them rather than living for ourselves. Navigating the line between repaying our parents and yearning for autonomy, freedom and independence proves to be an ongoing challenge for us.
Collectivist values vs Individualistic values - East vs West
No matter what ethnicity you are, being Asian means being a part of a collectivist society where the primary focus is to maintain social harmony and consider others at your own expense and be vigilant of how your actions will reflect on your family, community and culture. It makes sense why there is so much guilt and shame because, when we do things that differ outside of that expectation, the backlash is severe. With the addition of having and needing to respect your elders, because if you don’t, there is something wrong with you and it reflects badly on your parents in how they raised you. This value, arguably, has kept us compliant, quiet and a rule follower in all aspects of our lives without consciously realizing it.
In the Chinese language, there are distinctive types of guilt and shame that are focused on the self and being publicly shamed. The distinction here is, guilt and shame is used to enforce and correct behavior in the East, while guilt comes internally from an individual’s conscience in the West. Whereas western society values individualism, innovation, independence, and passion, there is more freedom and flexibility for individuals to find their way through trial and error, to question authority and the way things are.
The importance of moderation, everything demands a balance
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not glamorizing the West, there is beauty and downfalls to both cultural values. I believe in moderation and having a balance in how we perceive things, too much or too little of anything can be detrimental to our well being because it puts us in a black and white headspace.
Internalizing labels & questioning self worth as a result
As an Asian millennial and Psychotherapist, I can relate to countless experiences of guilt and shame for my actions or the lack of it. I’ve noticed that (some) Asian parents tend to give us hurtful labels - ‘Selfish’, ‘Lazy’. These labels become internalized within us because many times, they were given without contextual explanation. As children, we did not have the mental capacity to separate the context of the situation and those labels. That’s why it's crucial to provide context in communication, because the difference between hearing ‘You’re selfish’ and ‘You need to learn the importance of sharing so you can play well with others’ is massive. The latter provides us with a reason why we need to share, the former is a singular label that makes us feel we are at fault and can cause us to question our self worth.
The quest for emotional validation & acknowledgment
It raises these questions in our inner dialogue: Am I only worthy when I do things for others? Am I not enough just by being me? Am I only worthy when I achieve a certain stage in my career? This goes back to the quest for emotional validation and acknowledgement, which will be an ongoing lesson until you learn to separate that seeking for external validation as an adult stems from wanting it from your parents in the first place. If you do not break out of it, it will keep you in this cycle of feeling unworthy. But know this, you are enough, period. Whether you earn six figure income, become CEO or a partner or not, these milestones are a starting point in life, it may provide you with security and status. But hinging your self worth on external achievements is dangerous because without it, you will feel lost and uncertain about who you are.
Clients come into session telling me they don’t know who they are, what they want in life outside of work. If you are struggling with this, I would encourage you to look into what you value and want to prioritize in life, rebuild your internal compass with how you want to live by your chosen values so you have a stronger sense of self. Look to mentors, people you look up to, consume their content and identify why, what and how things resonated for you. Look for that spark of excitement and pay attention to what draws your attention, what are your obsessions, that is the key to understanding what you like and who you are.
Emotions can be used as leverage for your success
While I understand and acknowledge that guilt and shame can sometimes be leveraged to get someone to do something, it should not be the baseline. I understand the intention behind certain Asian parenting techniques is to drive the next generation to do better so they don’t have to suffer as the previous generations have. But the problem is, the (sometimes traumatic) experiences of previous generations becomes the baseline of what we are being compared to.
For example, some parents may dismiss their children’s emotional experiences, ‘Why are you sad about this? How does this help? You have a roof over our head and food. Get over it and move on’. While there is beauty in not dwelling on things and moving on, this can make one feel that their emotions don’t matter. What can happen is the individual learns to distrust their emotions by bottling them up, only to struggle when the emotional experience of an event becomes overwhelming and they show up in therapy wanting to ‘fix’ or to ‘get rid’ of the negative emotions.
I often tell my clients that we cannot experience joy without sadness, there is no black without white, you cannot live only in the white or black. Instead of being avoidant of negative emotions, I would encourage you to tap into it and understand what your emotions are telling you. Once you understand the meaning behind it, you can use it as your leverage to success. For example, when you are angry, your anger is trying to signal to you that something is unfair, what you do with the anger will determine whether you internalize the unfairness as something you did wrong or externalize it, which can look like you speaking up, standing up for yourself because you know that you deserve to be treated better.
To summarize
At the end of the day, I would encourage you to own the fact that you have two cultural identities because it’s f***ing awesome. You can pick and choose and appreciate the beauty of both cultures and leverage it to your advantage if you learn to reframe your thinking rather than seeing it as an existential crisis.
Stay curious and ask more questions, my fellow millennials.
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