2 MISTAKES we make when it comes to our expectations of others

Your values serve as your internal compass and set expectations for yourself and others

I personally value honesty, authenticity, passion, consistency, effort, connection, safety. Because these values are what I value in life, it becomes my internal moral compass, hence, I set an expectation for myself to live according to these values.

For example, I value honesty and love it when people around me are able to be honest with me even if the truth is hard to hear. I value those who are able to call me out because it is an indication that our friendship/relationship is beyond the level of politeness and that they are not afraid to rock the boat to help me realized that I can be better. Sometimes we just need someone to say what we are thinking for it to really sink in. 

Honesty in this instance allows me to reflect on myself and to do better. Being called out on, I also receive feedback on what I am not doing right, which is a learning lesson to take moving forward so I don’t repeat my mistakes. In living by that value, when I am surrounded with people I feel comfortable and (psychologically) safe with, I feel like I am able to be honest with them on my views, thoughts and to call them out if our friendship is mutually reciprocated.

This all sounds great BUT subconsciously I may set this expectation on people around me and expect the same reciprocation from them and end up feeling disappointed when it is not returned. Reflecting on this, it is not fair for me to impose and to expect the same level of honesty from others, because they may not value honesty as highly as I do. We all have different values in life and prioritize accordingly. This is something I’ve learnt to be mindful of. 

Another core value of mine is authenticity and I try to embody that when I interact with people even though different situations demand different versions of me and for me to be adaptable. Even in my work, I try to remain authentic in sessions with clients through my energy, my tone and not being afraid to push them a little if I see it will benefit my clients. However, the danger is I may subconsciously expect people in my life to be authentic in their interactions with me. It is easy to forget and take into account other factors that may hinder others in staying true to themselves. Factors may include, self esteem issues, anxious or avoidant attachment styles, feeling uncomfortable in large social situations. 

I hope through these examples, you are able to recognize that these are the dangers of having expectations and imposing them onto others. We can definitely have standards for people around us but expecting them to be a certain way or to treat us in the way we want and expect them to is a different story. We forget that we all have different versions of what is normal to us, we all have different priorities and values in life. 

Here are 2 MISTAKES we often make when it comes to our expectations of others

1. We make assumptions based on what is not being said by recognizing patterns on what we observe from others. We judge ourselves with intention but we judge others through their actions.

As humans, we like certainty and our brains are wired to predict patterns in our surroundings, including people’s behaviors. However, this comes at a cost, we jump to conclusions and make assumptions about others to save our finite mental capacity and energy. This creates a point of difference between people and can create misunderstanding if not communicated effectively or if the other party is not open to listening and talking things through or both. A takeaway tip is not to take things at face value and to be mindful that someone’s actions may not be their intention. I remember there have been times where I got upset at a friend’s inability to communicate and passiveness in a situation. But if I take a step back and try to understand it from their view, it may be that being proactive and communicating about discomfort is a struggle of theirs. Once you take a step back from assumptions and expectations, you will realize that we are so automated and used to making judgements of others. 

2. Dont project and expect people to take on your mindset and ways of seeing things.

It is very easy to expect that others would think like we do, but if being a therapist has taught me anything, it is that we all think very differently. We can be in the same situation but interpret the meaning of the situation VERY differently. Our mindset and perception of life, of ourselves and others stems from our upbringing, specifically how we have been raised. Our relationship with our parents, their values and beliefs sets the foundation of who we are. This is why it is so difficult to unlearn certain helpful values of beliefs we have, because it has become the core of who we are. 

This is why recent generations such as Millennials, Generation Z are asking more questions and refusing to settle for the norm of what has been given and set by society. We know we deserve better and are more aware that we should be asking more questions about why things are the way they are, why do we repeat certain behaviors, why do we default to our parents’ mindsets in times of distress? Why do we find it so hard to speak about our needs and wants? These are the questions that we will continue to ask ourselves in the years to come. I encourage you to develop curiosity around these questions and what it brings up for you (how do you feel about it? what does the emotion tell you? is there a recurring theme in these situations that you feel triggered in?) and continue to reflect on them to figure out whether it will guide you in living the life you want or don’t want. 

Stay curious and ask more questions. This is how we start to figure ourselves out. It starts with self-awareness.

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