2023 taught me this painful lesson

Don’t ever compromise who you are and what you want just to keep someone around. No matter how much you want to keep a connection (aka the person), sometimes, it does more harm than good whether it is a friendship or a relationship. Because you will evolve and grow into a different person and not everyone is prepared or ready to evolve with you.

Sometimes friends, lovers or families still have the old version of you in their mind, which causes tension among your interactions with them because of who you have become. Because they remind you of who you were and expect you to think or act in the same old ways. But having done so much work trying to be a better version of yourself, and be reminded of who you were, pisses me off, even if its not their intention. It’s a sign that you have grown apart and it happens.

So no matter how much you value a connection and want to keep someone in you life, sometimes you just have to learn to let them go. Not because you don’t care about them, not because you are heartless, not because they are a horrible person. But simply because…you want different things, you are going through different stages of life in personal growth, priorities or career. They may not be able to keep up with you or give back to you in the level that you want and that’s okay, its neither your fault or theirs’.

In the face of rejection, when someone is unsure about you and whether they want to stay in your life, the human nature of life or death and fight or flight kicks in. Because ultimately as humans…we are all wired to connect, we want to be loved, accepted and seen. To lose a valuable connection, you find yourself in this almost life-threatening mental state of doing whatever you can to cling onto that connection. In that moment, logic is out the window, emotions take over. If that person is asking you to sacrifice everything for them or asking you to do something even though you know logically you don’t want those things, you may find yourself complying and saying yes. Because in that moment, the thought of losing that person is so threatening and overwhelming that you cant fathom the thought of not having them in your life. It shakes up the core of who you are and who you have been.

Our brains are dickheads

The human brain focuses of (potential and actual) losses and negativity much more than positive experiences. For better or worse, it is creating mental shortcuts by identifying patterns so we don’t have to exert mental energy on analyzing every decision. Also, because it helped our ancestors survive in the early days, avoid the danger = you survive to fight another day. Applying that shortcut to modern society, it can make you avoidant towards anything you brain perceives as a ‘threat’ even if it is good for you.

This is why developing self awareness is crucial. This is how we fight back and regain control of our minds. First, you need to be aware by questioning everything. Then you are able to identify your triggers, your thought and behavior patterns. Then you question and challenge those patterns and you will gain ALOT of insight. Then you empower yourself to do things differently.

Question. Identify. Empowerment.

Question everything, your limiting self beliefs.

Identify where, how, what, where it comes from.

Empower yourself to do things differently with conscious intention, effort and with support. Because noone can do it alone.

The danger of not learning to love & value yourself

Upon reflection, I’ve noticed that my default was to do everything and anything in my power to keep someone around, often at my own expense and neglecting what I wanted or needed (my whole life until last year).

Because when you grow up not feeling validated or acknowledged for your emotional experiences, it makes you question your own thoughts and what you want. It makes you feel as though what others want for themselves or from you is the “right” thing. It makes you seek for validation of whether you are doing the “right” thing or making the “right” choice. But there is no such thing as the right thing in life, only what makes sense for you, your values, your identity, the core of who you are. So leave behind the school-societal-cultural-religious notion of Right vs Wrong because it will only limit you and hold you back in life.

This is the danger of not learning how to love and value yourself, you end up hinging your self worth onto people around you and depend on them to make you “whole”. I firmly believe that we all need a period in our lives where we are completely alone to truly learn what self love feels, entails and means to us. Because without it, you will not be able to be in a healthy, thriving relationship with anyone. Because you will not be on equal levels as your partner or friend. So you need to start seeing yourself as an equal, as someone who is worthy, deserving, awesome, badass, special and unique to move forward to attract people who will see you for who you are.

“Manifest what you want to attract” - Unknown

The old you may be so used to ‘giving’ to the people around you that the moment you realize you deserve better and recognize your worth (finally) and start to speak up and ask for more, they aren’t able to reciprocate. And that’s disappointing, there is no sugarcoating it.

Maybe it’s because they benefitted from the old you, maybe because they struggle with speaking up themselves, maybe because they have different priorities, thoughts and expectations regarding reciprocation, we will never know. So don’t let others’ actions and words affect how you see yourself because it is a reflection of them RATHER than a reflection of you and your worth.

I was listening to one of Matthew Hussey’s videos and he identified an important point. How you feel about someone is DIFFERENT to how they make you feel. It is two separate narratives, you can like someone, be attracted to them, feel a great connection towards them or enjoy them company but if they make you feel unworthy and unseen, then it’s a different story.

My takeaways

The thing I took away from here is to focus on the reality of the situation and focus on what someone is showing me through their actions rather than blindly believing what I want and expect them to be (or sometimes through their words).

It’s a painful and heart-aching experience but I am choosing to look at it in the lense of the universe making space for better things and people to come along in the future. Everyone serves a purpose in our life no matter where and when we encountered them. If they can join you through multiple chapters of your life then cherish them. If they can’t and jump off at some stage, choose to see what they have taught you, what value they brought to your life at that chapter and wish them well.

We can never control who stays and leaves, so learn identify the good parts, let go and accept it with grace.

A friend of mine showed me a video that changed my life and my perspective on everything. P.S. to this friend, I’m grateful to have you in my life and for the support you willingly gave me when I was struggling, so thank you. Instead of diminishing myself and my worth and apologize for being a ‘burden’ for leaning on you, I am choosing to be grateful, thank you and acknowledge you for being there for me.

From the video my friend showed me, Daniel Sloss said, we are all building our own jigsaw puzzle (our life), even though we lost the box of the image, we are all trying. My friend summarized to me that we should be a wholesome puzzle that compliment another person’s puzzle rather than trying to fit into someone else’s puzzle to feel “whole”.

The lesson I learnt so far in 2023 compliments the lesson I learnt in 2022 which was to dial down my enthusiasm and be selective with who I give to. Because if I’m being honest, not everyone fucking deserves it and I had to learn it the hard way.

As scary as it is to be alone, to start over and not know what the future holds, remind yourself that YOU WILL BE OKAY. Because it’s the truth. Sitting with uncomfortable emotions sucks but it will make you so much stronger. Know that you can and will always be able to pick yourself back up no matter what life throws at you.

You are strong, resilient and badass in your own way, you know this deep down, you just needed me to remind you of it.

If you take away anything from this, I want you to remember this last part.

Thank you for reading and being here with me on this journey. Enjoy the rest of your day.

Love,

Eunice Cheung

Your millennial therapist

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