Asian Culture: "I feel like a burden"
“Shortcuts are always longer roads in disguise.” - Nicolas Cole
The more you avoid, the more you have to deal with later.
The irony is the more you avoid your “demons”, the stronger it comes back.
Because it still sits in your subconscious…aching at you.
It may be easier in the moment to avoid the discomfort of saying no.
But the impact it has on you doubles.
Because you haven’t dealt with it.
Therefore, let’s face it head on and remove the root of your fear.
So it doesn’t hold power over you anymore.
Because it’s literally living rent free in your head.
Time to tell your worst negative thoughts to pay up & pay rent.
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One of the most common lines I hear from Asian Australian clients.
"Im afraid of being a hassle and an inconvenience to others".
As a way to cope, you avoid it by going along with what others want.
Saying yes when you want to say no
Denying that you are actually struggling deep inside
Staying quiet when you want to speak up
Putting on a smile when you want to cry
Helping others instead when you want to ask for help yourself
All this for what?
Just to avoid dealing with the discomfort of negative emotions of doing and saying what you want.
What is the purpose of Avoidance?
The purpose of avoidance is to avoid the discomfort that we feel.
To avoid the potential consequence we assume, expect, predict.
In ancestral times, the function of avoidance has helped us survive.
We avoided danger (bears, lions) to live another day.
But, bare in mind that in the modern present day, those potential consequences are rooted in our previous experiences, values, beliefs.
We avoid uncomfortable emotions, conversations, situations because we feel like we are in danger, uncharted territory.
But at what cost?
Your wellbeing, your needs and what you want.
The truth is… to achieve self love, inner peace, inner bliss, self contentment (however you like to define it), is to accept yourself.
Accept that you will piss some people off.
Accept that you cannot please everyone.
Accept that not everyone will like you.
Accept that you need to be proud and comfortable of who you are.
Accept that you only have on life to live and that’s YOUR LIFE.
Accept that some people will hate you or get pissed off no matter WHAT YOU DO or HOW you say things.
Even if you walk on eggshells and plan the perfect way to say something without offending someone, some people can still take it personally.
And that shit is not on you.
That’s on them.
Asian culture values harmony, obedience, conformity.
But at the same time, these very values also affect us DEEPLY.
That is why we need to have a balance.
Yes we need to be considerate of others but not to the point that it HURTS YOU.
Not to the point that you have to sacrifice, compromise everything you want, everything that makes you who you are.
That line is forever hard to draw but in writing about this and talking about this, I am hoping it normalizes this for Asian Mental Health over time.
PERSONAL EXAMPLE: I Put off Therapy for months because I thought I can handle it.
I recently had a therapy session with my therapist after months of putting it off.
Because I convinced myself I can manage and I didn’t need it.
But the truth is, I really needed it.
I was bottling so much inside that as soon as the session started, I balled my eyes out.
And like a typical Asian, I apologized for crying.
I’m a therapist who knows better but at the same time, I’m also human. I’m not perfect. But I’m a work in progress. And I continue to work on myself to be the best that I can be.
The truth is I needed time and space to process my own emotions and everything that has happened in 2023.
My Takeaways from My Therapy Session
The takeaway I gained from that session is I need to learn to ask for help & not be afraid to do so.
Something I and many other Asians also struggle with.
Independence, being strong and self reliant is something I value strongly.
But to my own detriment, it can also hinders me from knowing when to ask for help.
And to NOT feel bad to ask for it.
My therapist gave me some new perspectives which I deeply appreciated.
He told me to expand and look at idea of feeling like a burden & wanting to be independent and not have to rely on anyone.
Because I wanted to avoid being disappointed.
Just like I have in the past in school, friendships, families.
He said:
We don’t build empires on our own. It’s impossible. We don’t live in isolation.
It’s not always possible to be fully reliant on ourselves.
People who have gotten to where they are is because they relied on other people. They had support and help from others.
So expand that thinking of “I want to be independent but being independent means not asking for help”
Because what matters is knowing when to ask for help.
Because what matters is you asking for help DOESN’T mean you’re not independent or weak.
As he was telling me this, I continued to cry.
I was keeping so much inside me that I forgot it’s okay to cry, to take time to process and to recognize despite that life has been hard, I have persevered through it all.
He was right.
I was focusing so much on being fully independent and fully reliant that I forgot it’s okay to have support and ask for help.
My fears around asking for help was rooted in my past experiences of being bullied, rejected and dismissed.
He said a lot of things that I have wanted to hear for the longest time.
He reminded me that I was strong, resilient, resourceful, creative, a hustler.
He reminded me that even though I was afraid that once I ask for help, it can be taken away, that I will survive and get through it.
He reminded me that it’s okay to lean on people.
And it was such a valuable session to me.
*****
That is the beauty of therapy, my friends.
You get different perspectives to look at the same problem.
You get a more holistic view on the problem and on yourself.
You realized you also need to take your own advice.
That it’s okay to take time, space for yourself.
To ask for help when you need it.
To be brave enough to ask.
To speak up.
To try.
Because “You never know until you ask”.
The answer can be a yes, but only if you dare enough to seek it.
Don’t self reject.
Came across this post earlier today and the timing cannot be more perfect.
In identifying my own “toxicity”, it’s allowed me to become more aware of it.
Moving forward, I will learn to be brave and not be a hostage to my past.
You see, if you avoid it, these thoughts will never go away.
In my case and for many of you here:
“Im afraid of being a hassle and an inconvenience to others”
But until you stop and ask yourself:
- Is this what I truly want?
- Have I been conditioned to respond this way?
- Am I responding this way to cater to others’ feelings or is this how I truly feel and what I truly want for myself here?
Pattern interrupt, stopping, calling yourself out & post event self reflection is the way to become more Self-Aware.
You don't have to do it alone.
Start your self-awareness journey today.
Or a DIY here to understand yourself better.
Final Takeaways: Here are 5 WAYS to Reframe Your Thinking
“You never know until you ask”. - The answer can be a yes, but only if you dare enough to seek it. Don’t self reject.
“The right way for someone else is the wrong way for you. (And the right way for you is the wrong way for someone else.) - Nicolas Cole
“Other people's expectations are the heaviest burdens of all. (Put them down.)” - Nicolas Cole
“Differentiation costs acceptance” - Nicolas Cole
“Chaos is no longer attractive” - Let go of chaos, self-acceptance, is the key to achieve inner peace, self acceptance and inner bliss for yourself.
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If you're ready to challenge your beliefs, values so you can level up in life, I'm here to help you.
Hi, I'm Eunice Cheung
Your millennial therapist.
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