Why Love Is Not Unconditional

Love is paradoxical. It’s complicated.

It defies all logic and reason.

Unconditional love often gets glamorized in movies, tv shows and books.

But do we really know what it means and what the limit is to our unconditional love?

With anything in life, there needs to be a moderation with everything.

Too little or too much of something will lead to a psychopathology (a problem).

If you love someone with no conditions, no boundaries, you put your psychological wellbeing and safety at risk, then it’s not love.

You are giving someone the power to walk all over you.

That is why you need to set conditions, boundaries to protect yourself.

Unconditional love is romanticized and not an accurate reflection of reality.

Some would argue that love means sacrificing everything about yourself including what you want, who you are to be with someone.

But I disagree. Because that’s not love, that’s self sacrifice.

You are losing who you are, what you want, what you need to be with someone and that never works out well because resentment and anger is lurking in the future of you and that person.

I’ve seen it happen in clients, in relationships around me - where people become bitter, angry and resentful because they never got to say or do what they wanted.

Or worse, they take it out on their children.

Which then gets passed on as intergenerational trauma.

Because they ended up going along with what their partner wanted without regarding their own.

I remember seeing it when I was a kid and I vowed to myself that I would never allow myself to lose myself like that in a relationship, not for anything or anyone.

That is why I stay strong to my values - because it makes up who I am.

But I expose myself to different opinions because I know my beliefs and values are not the only way.

It is through being exposed to different people, different beliefs and values that I understand life more holistically - not only one way.

Because one size fits all is a myth.

Love and life is full of conflicting emotions.

We are constantly negotiating one thing for another.

Needs vs desires.
Spontaneity vs security.
Solitude vs intimacy.
Freedom vs control.
Independence vs dependence.

But life isnt meant to be lived from one end to another.

You are allowed to want both.

You are allowed to make space for both.
It doesn’t mean you are selfish.

You want something because it aligns with who you are.

You don’t want something because it doesn’t align with who you are.

Don’t overthink it.

Don’t second guess yourself.
Zoom out of the black & white thinking.
The world isnt as absolute as you think.

Keep an open mind.

Because… Everything. Is. Context. Dependent.

You cannot take one thing and apply it to everything, it may have worked in schools but not in real life.

You can be kind but still have boundaries so people don’t take advantage of you.

You can be mad at someone you love and still care for them during the conflict and be respectful.

You can feel love and resentment towards a parent or a partner and still be a good person.

Nothing is or should be mutually exclusive, except for math and science.

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I used to think marriage meant entrapment.

I still do to a certain extent.

I thought it meant you were stuck with someone forever with no exit strategy.

I used to think commitment meant imprisonment.

I couldn’t think of anything worse than that.

That’s coming from someone who used to put others on a pedestal and thought I had no choice because I had to go along with what others wanted.

I now know I thought that because I was unaware that I can decide for myself about what I want.

Part of self development is unlearning the unhealthy things you learnt from your upbringing and culture.

The most important thing I had to unlearn for myself is:

“I did not deserve to speak up for myself, about what I want and need because other people are more important than me.”

Through years of training, going to therapy myself, working as a therapist and witnessing many clients presenting their own version of problems in front of me, made me realize just how common it is - To be stuck, trapped, in our unhealthy patterns.

Whether it’s our communication, attachment styles, fears and limiting beliefs.

It all comes down to relationships, attachment, people and love.

We all want to be accepted and loved.

When that is at risk, we act out in different ways, we retreat, avoid, lash out to avoid feeling the pain of rejection.

Our old, automatic, default ways of responding may not be helping us anymore.

Which is why I encourage you to start paying attention.

Observe yourself so you can be aware of what your unhealthy pattern is.

Then identify how and why it is affecting your life & relationships in a negative way.

Get started here.

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Love Is The Opposite of Easy

I used to think people who stay will their partner despite them doing hurtful things is stupid.

But love is not so simple.

Because you can’t unlove someone just because they hurt you.

Love is the most precious, intimate bond you can share with someone.

You can love someone but hate their actions and behaviors.

You know (logically) that you deserve better but emotionally you still want to be with them.

This is the paradox and irony of love.

The logical truth is simple, but to follow through with it you are fighting your emotional brain, your attachment.

“The emotional brain vs the logical brain is a battle that cannot be won, only to be understood.” - Eunice Cheung

Outsiders have the luxury of seeing relationship problems with logic, but the people involved don’t have the same luxury.

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You Always Have A Choice

After gaining life experiences and turning 27, I now have a different kind of understanding of what long term mature love is.

It is not fairytales and happily ever after endings.

It is anything but that.

You always have a choice.

You can always decide.

You always have a say in what you want for yourself and your life.

It means choosing someone consciously and intentionally day after day.

It means you know you can leave if you want to but you choose to be with them.

It means having difficult conversations about your triggers, life decisions, boundaries.

It means never giving up (again context dependent here, please use common sense and not take my words as the absolute truth. if they are intentionally hurting you physically and psychologically, of course you will leave) and supporting each other through the good and hard times.

It means despite knowing their flaws, you want to be with them anyway.

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Love is not meant to be taken for granted.

But love often gets taken for granted because we get comfortable and complacent in our relationships.

Which is why some (healthy) level of jealousy, perceived challenge, mystery and having high self worth & love is important (to know you can walk away if you are mistreated is a powerful thing to have).

We forget an important thing - the people who loves you outside of your family, keep in mind that they are there because they want to be, not because they have to be.

Disney movies and romantic comedy movies show the opposite of what love is.

Love is not easy. Nothing in life is easy.

Nothing worth having comes easy in life.

But in our generation of quick fixes and instantaneous dopamine hits from mindless scrolling, getting what we want from a click on our phones, it has formed our perception of life - that it “should” be easy and quick.

That is the biggest problem we all face in this current generation.

Remember: Nothing is a “Given”

The fucked up part about human nature is this:

You are not appreciated if you are always available.

You are not ‘valuable’ if you don’t set your own terms to ‘giving’.

You become a commodity if you continue to give without asking for anything in return.

People will treat you like you are indisposed.

People will take you for granted if you continue to give without setting your own terms.

You will get blamed if you stop giving, when in reality, having access to you is a privilege and honor, it’s not a “given”.

People choose to support you and be with you because they want to, not because they owe you anything.

Remember that.

Cherish the people who love and choose you.

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To wrap up, love is never purely unconditional.

You need to set conditions, boundaries for people to have access to you.

You should never “give” for free.

You need to protect yourself.

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That is it for this Newsletter.

Thank you for being here on this journey with me.

Stay tuned.

See you next week.

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