From pretending to resolving via understanding with my Asian Parent.

Mum: “7am is too early, choose the later flight”.

Me: “If we take the later flight, we lose out on hours of daylight, by the time we get there, it’d be late afternoon. Since we’re only going for a few days, I think it’s best if we make the most out of the trip. We can sleep when we’re dead haha. But we don’t get to travel often”.

Mum: “No la, too early, they may not like it, we have to consider the group here, not just you la”.

Me: “Im not saying this just for me, but I’m trying to make the most out of our family trip.”

Mum: “He and dad may not want to wake up this early. Ask them first and see. Choose the later flight”.

*I call her*

*We argue*

*Ended the call*

I’m feeling furious at this point because mum isn’t hearing me.

*Minutes later*

My brother: “We’re fine with 7am flight, it doesn’t matter when we travel.”

Mum: “Okay, let’s do 7am. Thanks Eunice”

…………………

What.

The.

Fuck.

“I say one thing in a thousand ways but he only needs to say one word and my mum agrees. How is that fair? What the fuck is this shit.”

I told myself to breathe as I confront my mother regarding this situation.

“Mum, I tried to convince, persuade you to take the morning flight but you were so against it. Ah gor (means brother in cantonese) said one thing and you suddenly agreed. How is that fair? I’m the one planning our flights and itineraries. I know you value ah gor more than me because he’s your son and it’s always been apparent but I felt quite hurt in this instance, it felt like nothing I do or suggest matters to you.”

“No la, your brother never replies in the family chat and the only time he does I wanted to get this issue sorted and we have 5 people on this trip, you can’t just do what you want, have to consider the group as a whole”.

“I understand that but imagined if you were planning the trip and I did the same to you? If my brother was the one planning, you probably won’t object to his suggestion of taking a morning flight would you?”

*silence*

“Flights are all booked, sent the itineraries to all your emails. I helped you guys save $2k because there was a last minute discount.”

“Thanks Eunice” - Mum & dad wrote.

Minutes later, mum send me a message…

It meant a lot seeing that message.

Because she acknowledged my hurt even though it was not her intention.

Growing up not receiving validation or acknowledgement. It meant everything.

It allowed us to move forward.

Any possible resentment, anger, frustration disappeared with that message.

Look, you may see this and think, that is so progressive and “white”.

Only white people do this.

I’m here to tell you, no.

I worked long and hard for my communication and relationship with my mum to get to this level of maturity, transparency.

You can read about my story about coping for Asian Parent’s invalidation Part 1 and Part 2.

Or you can watch it here on SBS Insight.

She still has her bad moments, as do I.

We’re both human, noone is perfect or can be perfect.

But its in the aftermath of a conflict, yelling, disagreement where we can come together and talk it out so we can both move on.

So no resentment is lingering in the air.

*****

That is the power of conflict.
That is the power of resolving conflict via understanding both point of views.

The thing with conflict is, there is no right and wrong.

It’s about what’s right and makes sense for you and the other person.

If you argue, fight, disagree based on what on facts, then it will never be resolved.

If you seek to understand why you and them did what you did and try to understand both parties’ intention, suddenly, you’re able to come to terms with the conflict.

Because it creates space for open dialogue.

It creates space for mutual understanding.

It creates space for perspective shift.

You find out neither of you were trying to intentionally harm one another…

But perhaps the way you go about approaching a situation is different.

Same goes for conflict in couples, friends, family.

***

We all see the world differently, according to our experiences, beliefs and values.

Just because it’s different to someone else’s, doesn’t make it wrong.

Just because I felt that my mum values ah gor’s opinion more than mine, doesn’t make her automatically “wrong”.

Because that is based on how I saw the situation and my past experiences and feelings towards this subject matter.

She saw the situation differently in the sense that she wanted to resolve the issue as soon as ah gor was “online” on the group chat.

Doesn’t make her method wrong but the way she communicated that was misunderstood.

****

The art of conflict

The purpose of conflict isn’t to have none.

It is to embrace it as an opportunity to understand the other person better.

Noone can ever agree on everything together.

It’s just impossible and unrealistic.

There will always be points of differences.

What matters most is you trying to communicate, articulate and follow up if there is a misunderstanding/miscommunication.

Because if you do it, it shows you care.

If you don’t, it’s easy for it to affect the relationship you have with that person.

***

Word of caution.

Unfortunately, in this century, not everyone is capable of having these transparent and honest conversations.

Some people take some heart to heart talk to open up.

Some people take some time to process.

Some people take a bit of persuading.

Some people are too stubbourn to see it in a different perspective.

Some people are oblivious to why this is important to you.

Some people are too stuck in their own heads, narratives and world to care.

*****

But if you gave it your best and they are still not receptive to hear or understand you, then it’s best to distance yourself from them.

Not because you don’t care, but because there is only so much you can do as one person.

Any relationship, friendship requires both people to work on it for it to “work”.

*****

Takeaway here is, you can NEVER change the other person.

It’s about changing how you approach it, how you frame it, how you interpret it.

The rest is up to the other person.

Don’t take it on yourself to change/fix someone.

It’s not your responsibility.

You can only control and change yourself.

*********

Additional Resources For You:

Hi, I'm Eunice Cheung
Your millennial therapist.

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