intentions get lost in translation often with Asian Parents.

Most of the times, our intentions get lost in translation.

Either because we miscommunicate, tensions are high and both communication out of reaction than intention or we don’t have to patience to seek to understand.

Many people get this mixed up.

It’s not a battle of you vs your parents.

It’s a battle of Miscommunicated Intention vs Understanding.

It’s a battle between you & your parents vs the problem.

Same goes for relationships, friendships.

Subtle communication, making assumptions, setting expectations, huge sense of duty, obligations to fulfil, feelings of shame & guilt.

That’s the heart of Asian culture.

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It makes me sad that we mean well but our intentions often get lost in our communication.

I’ve experienced this firsthand with my parents, in trying to communicate with them that all I ever wanted, was validation and acknowledgment.

You can read about it Here or listen to my Podcast episodes on this here.

Or watch my interview with SBS Insight on Asian Parents not saying sorry here.

It wasn’t until I really broke thing down for and with my parents in our communication, that I realized they had no idea I wanted or needed validation and acknowledgment.

In those moments of novelty and discomfort of addressing our communication issues, it led to the best result.

We now communicate with each other openly and honestly.

I encourage them to be upfront and direct with me and most importantly, to not bottle things up.

Because I would rather deal with the issue at hand then have it bottled up to a breaking point for both of us.

My mum is now able to apologize, own up to it when she’s in the wrong and even able to laugh with me when she’s being too honest with me about her feelings. Watch here.

It’s possible.

But you have to laid down the groundwork first.

By working on yourself, identifying your triggers, recognizing when you are overreacting, projecting different realities to the one you have in your head vs the actual reality.

May not be possible for everyone, but isn’t this result so worth trying?

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But in a world of survival, immigration, hardships, those things came secondary.

As immigrants, we had to adapt to the hardships of starting over in a new country.

Rebuilding everything from the ground up.

In a world of fierce hardships, survival is the upmost important thing.

They all did what we had to do to survive, to raise us.

Given if we were in an apocalypse, a world full of zombies trying to eat you alive while you hunt for food, you would priortize survival over anything and everything too. (Any walking dead fans here?)

Taking on this lens adds an extra level of understanding parents’ well intentions in their communication.

Even if it isn’t always easy to hear.

“The walls we build around us to keep sadness out also keeps out the joy.” -jim rohn

Don’t build a wall to keep your parents out.

Don’t reinforce the wall with past experiences of what you anticipate will happen in the present.

Let people in.

Let yourself be loved.

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Trust me, I get how hard this is.

But I promise you that the process of doing this is so worth it.

Recognize the process is more important than the outcome.

Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Things that take time are worth it.

Things worth keeping don’t come easy.

Embrace the hard & discomfort.

You become different, better, more confident & articulate.

You take on a different level of understanding.

You realize you can have difficult conversations and get a good result.

The process of it is where you transform into a better version of yourself.

Then it bleeds into all you relationships with people, where you are not afraid to be vulnerable when you need to and speak.UP.

So Finally.

Here are 5 tips to cope with miscommunicated intentions from Asian Parents:

1. What sounds like control and criticism to us, comes from a place of love and care from our parents.

The worst thing is: if we don’t communicate that we are hurt to our parents and try to communicate to understand, NOT to judge. It gets swept under the rug and we build resentment, frustration and anger towards them. 

TIP:  Have a heart to heart with your parents and provide them with context as to why you feel hurt, offer suggestions of what they can say instead that you would appreciate and help you feel confident.

2. What we want to hear from our parents, they may not be able to give us because a lack of communication from us, lack of knowledge and understanding of why we need validation, acknowledgment.

There were many times I explained the context and provided a suggestion of why I need acknowledgement to my parents & partner. When they heard it, they understood why and we resolved our disagreements. Simply said “Look I appreciate you trying to solve my problems and offer advice, but sometimes all I need and would love to hear from you is, “I get it, I understand how hard this is for you”.

They said: “Okay, I can do that, I had no idea you wanted and needed that." I’ll keep this in mind.”

TIP: Acknowledge their intentions and thank them for their concern, then provide them with context as to what you would like them to say instead and ask if this is something they can provide. 

3.Communication in subtle ways. Miscommunication is often the result of assumptions & expectations & unclear indirect ways of communicating our needs and wants. Even expecting the other person to read our minds, “they should know what I want without me saying it”.

No, we are not mind-readers, it is up to us to communicate clearly what we want and need to others and see if they can meet it.

TIP: Acknowledge what they are saying, encourage them to be direct with their requests, model that by being direct and honest yourself and with them. Clear, direct communication prevents misunderstandings. 

4.Seek to understand each other’s perspective instead of jumping to judgement 

TIP: Pause, zoom out and identify their intentions with what your parents say. Translate what they are saying to what they really mean. 

5.Our desire to seek for our parents’ approval never stops, because they are the first people on this earth who nourished and loved us - but its also ok to not seek the same approval anymore because being an adult involves doing what needs to be done for you and not always for others 

TIP: learn to accept that you may not get approval from your parents and be okay with it. Remember deep down they want to and want what’s best for you even if its different to what you envisioned for yourself. Financial stability is important for immigrants, remember, their intentions are pure and coming from the right place. Nothing gives parents more pain than to see their child struggle the hardships they’ve endured themselves. That is where they are coming from. Watch here.

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Email me or comment down below to let me know if you also experienced communication difficulties with parents, friends, lovers & how you went about resolving it. I’d love to hear from you :)

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If you're ready to identify how your cultural conditiongs affect your communication so you can level up in your life and relationships, I'm here to help you.

Hi, I'm Eunice Cheung
Your millennial therapist.

Ready to embark on your Self Improvement Journey?

Visit my website to book in a clarity call Here.

Set yourself free from your own limiting beliefs here.

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Additional Resources For You:

Listen to my latest podcast episode of Eunice.Co on Spotify - Nothing is a Wasted Effort Here.

Connect with me via Instagram.

If you are ready to be challenged and want to rewire your limiting beliefs, get started with Attack The Roots Of Your Patterns. This ebook will ask you questions that shake you up at your core that you will see yourself, the world and others differently.