How did I become the way I am today? 

When you notice yourself pleasing others at your own expense, do you ever question why, where it comes from and how it started? This is the journey I’ve gone through recently, realizing that I have a tendency to please others, going along with other people’s needs and wants at the expense of what I want. This is one explanation why I have trouble speaking up for myself. Now let’s open pandora’s box.

Mum’s influences

When I stopped to reflect, I realized it was because my parents have always been incredibly supportive and selfless people, often at their own detriment. My mum has always been very generous, at home, she would often make amazing food and let others have them even if it means she wont have any left for herself. However, this came at a cost for her, with her selflessness and always putting others before herself, she can become resentful and disappointed when that effort is not reciprocated by others. She had unknowingly placed this expectation on me or someone else because in her lens, that is how she should treat others and perhaps it came with an assumption that if she treated others in that way that others would also return the favor. 

But as we all know that life doesn’t work that way, we don’t get treated well because we are good people, we only get what we ask and are willing to fight for, specifically, if we have the courage to find the words to ask. I don’t expect to get what I want every time, but if I don’t try, it will definitely be a no. Hence, I encourage you to be brave and ask for what you want even if it won’t be received well by others because you need to start living for yourself and not for other people and their expectations of how you ‘should’ be. 

Dad’s influences

My dad has always been very hard working and dedicated to his job and his family. He sacrificed many things to provide for the family and he will go above and beyond for us. He is a role model whom I look up to, respect and love dearly. He is agreeable, compliant, obedient as a conditioning of his work which has made him see himself as quite ‘small’ in the sense that, he is (almost) always be agreeable to authority figures, employers, the educational system. Most of all, he has a realistic approach to life, practicality. He values formal education and sees qualifications as a life necessity and a core value to success. 

I have noticed that he puts things off with reluctance and hesitates to change or learn new ways of doing things, mostly when it is not a necessity, he prefers to stay in his comfort zone. I believe this is connected to the Asian immigrant survival mentality, focusing on necessities rather than pursuing individual happiness and passion. For example, it frustrates me and makes me sad when he doesn’t take care of himself better, perhaps in my perspective, eating a balance diet is a way to take care of myself. But maybe for him, it is not a necessity, he may even see it as a luxury because of the effort needed to do so.

‘At the end of the day, we are the byproduct of our upbringing and our culture’. - Unknown 

How has my upbringing shaped who I am

Without conscious realization, my dad’s mentality shaped my perception of learning, it made me think that there is no need for anything that doesn’t benefit my studies or my job. It made me think that the most important thing in life was to study, get a good grade and get into university then I will be set for life. But I now know that it’s bullshit. I now realized how beneficial it would have been if I had a creative (playing the drums) or physical outlet (martial arts) on the side to keep me motivated during high school, but I was forced to give it all up due to fear of it japarodizing my studies. 

From early childhood, society has conditioned us to focus on our studies, with this tunnel vision , it made me doubt my capabilities as a person, I would constantly have thoughts throughout school, ‘Why can't I do this? Why can’t I get better grades? Why am I so fucking stupid?’ which fuelled my low self esteem up to today and has taken me a long time to unlearn the link between my achievements to my worthiness as a person.

This perception of learning has held me back many times in my life, because it made me fearful to try new things to avoid failure because 1) if it does not help my future, there was no point in pursuing it, 2) if I was not immediately good at it, it would signal to me that I am ‘stupid’, which would threaten my sense of self-worth, 3) the unknown is scary and I can’t account for what is uncertain, better play it safe. I now know that leaning into the unknown is where I learnt the most about myself. For example, quitting my full time job and starting Your millennial therapist, an online therapy practice, showed me that I was more capable than I thought which increased my self confidence and gave me drive to continue. From learning to create a website, researching domain names, creating a logo, invoicing and using payment processors to take payment, it was a long research process. Had I not quit my job and build my own practice, I would have never learnt to do these things and looking back now, I would do it 100 times again because the lessons I learnt from it has made me believe in myself and given me tremendous value moving forward.

Only now that I realized, I should approach learning with curiosity rather than judgment of myself and sheer memorization. I wish I could go back in time to tell my younger self this. What would you want to tell your younger self if you had the chance?

Self reflection & questioning the way things are

I suppose that is the paradox of our education system, it kills any curiosity or creativity as we are put in a black and white, right and wrong framework of what we need to know and do at all times. It makes us afraid to take a risk, to do things differently.  It is only when we get out of school and have the curiosity to learn to question the rules set forth by society, do we realize that true learning comes after we leave school as we grapple with how reality and real life works. 

There is nothing wrong with not getting things right the first time, there is no harm in trying and failing. Because failure is an opportunity to learn, it gives you value and feedback on how to do better and what not to do. If you look at every successful person, almost all of them will tell you that failure has taught them valuable lessons and got them to where they are today. 

I recently listened to a podcast by Dan Koe and I remember he made an analogy about life which really resonated with me - ‘Life is like a lever, through feedback, you learn to tweak and adjust what you need more and less to get a better outcome, but you cannot do it without feedback and feedback stems from action”. The learning lesson here is stop being afraid of looking bad, failure, of not having it perfect, take action and get feedback. Society’s emphasis on perfection and happily ever after doesn’t exist, things don’t happen to us just because we wish it would. We have to take control of our lives, our narrative and go after what we want. That is the best way to put yourself in the arena to try, you owe it to yourself to try. Think of it this way, if you are willing to try and fight for your employer, why aren’t you willing to fight for yourself? 

So here are 3 TAKEAWAYS I gained from questioning & identifying how my upbringing has influenced who I am today. 

1. Tune down my enthusiasm, my level of care & be selective with who I ‘give’ to.

After becoming aware of my mum’s traits, it helped me realize that there were many times where I would go above and beyond for others around me. That is not to say, I did it because of this tendency, but I did it because I truly wanted to for those I care about. But a takeaway lesson I’ve learnt is - to tune down my enthusiasm, the level of care and be selective with who I show and give it to, because the truth is, not everyone deserves it or reciprocates that energy. Because as the level of responsibilities increases with adulthood, we all have different priorities in life and not everyone will put the same amount of effort into the same things I value and that's okay. 

2. There is an explanation behind why I struggle to speak up.

I started seeing a therapist in May this year because I started to identify patterns within my thoughts and behaviors that I didn’t understand. Through therapy I was able to realize that I struggled with being vulnerable with people around me, I had trouble sharing about how I truly felt at times because, 1) I felt like I didn’t deserve to be listened to because I was often dismissed and invalidated and often taking on the role of listening to others, 2) no one would care because it's not a practical concern and emotional problems were often seen as inconvenient or irrelevant to success, 3) it is considered ‘selfish’ to take up space and be a burden to other people as endorsed in the Asian culture, 4) I was bullied in high school after opening up to friends about something personal and were excluded from them. Everything is connected to our earlier experiences, they just manifest in ways that we may not be consciously aware of. Breaking unhealthy patterns requires you to look back at your patterns of behavior or you will be a prisoner to your thought patterns and your ‘default acquired’ mindset of the world.

3. There are learned responses to my conditioning that I need to acknowledge, accept then unlearn.

I find it hard to speak up and ask for things that I want at times. Deep down, it was because I was always attuning to other people’s needs and wants because that was my conditioning growing up. I would be labeled as selfish and bad if I didn’t, which conditioned me to feel guilty and shame as a learned response. At certain times, I think I felt like having my own needs and wants was not allowed or appropriate. But I am now learning that I am worthy of wanting more for myself, I am worthy and deserve to have my needs met. The takeaway here is: my therapist reminded me that guilt is an instinctive reaction out of a learned behavior of people pleasing BUT it doesn’t make it a VALID reaction. Step back, assess your instinctial reaction and reflect on it for clarity.

Stay curious and ask more questions, my fellow millennials.

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